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This time last week and a realization

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images Well I can’t help but wonder why I feel off today and why I feel like I am missing something. Oh right. The last two or three Thursdays were spent out at bars, clubs, and with people partying and tonight I haven’t planned anything and thus I am at home scratching the walls. Oh well. I am guessing that I am a creature of habit and that not wanting to be a social pariah is in my blood after all. Not that I dislike socializing, I just tend towards being a loner but enjoy the company of others. I think it stems from my association of loud sounds and lots of noise with fighting as a child because of what neighborhoods I hung out in and with the company of friends I kept. Facing facts I realize that a lot of my childhood friends suffered some form of abuse and lived in dysfunctional households where frequent yelling, fighting, and violence occurred. Thus there were two strong memories that were burned into my psyche as a child: the first is that silence and my own home and the outdoors (like a garden or park) were good things, and second; that loudness, fast movements (swinging of arms, legs, throwing things), sports, and large numbers of people gathered became associated with badness.

sexualAbuseCycle As I grew up this translated into my dislike for birthday parties, for not wanting to go to large numbers of dances (until I was in late late high school), the avoidance of too many concerts, the avoidance of being at gatherings of groups of friends or the ability to interact casually with them. Naturally this also translated into some positives: my love of peaceful serene locations, my love of silence/meditation, the enjoyment I get from the arts, my ability to concentrate and be alone for extended periods of time without concern, and my rational skeptic attitude towards humanity. All in all I’d say it has, like most people have, given me a unique perspective on the plight of man, on what humanity should aspire towards, and on what a family should be and how people need to act and behave themselves when in company (though I will admit that I am frequently in violation of this policy).

Riot_police_bikers Never let it be said that I hate public spaces, people, or large gatherings of crowds. I am simply responding to very deeply entrenched memories from a childhood where, among other things, I had the misfortune of watching one of my friends being taken away by the police along with his little brother b/c his stepfather was sexually molesting them and his mother beat them bloody and broken. Naturally a large amount of police arrived along with an ambulance and neighbors and friends. He never told me about it, nor his little brother. I never saw him again and I really think he was relocated to another state and given a new name. It turned out that his father was a drug user who was raping and killing elderly people in the neighborhood. Naturally that family would fight every night, scream bloody hell and throw things, then invite guests over who were of the drug shipping Hell’s Angels types which translated into broken beer bottles, stabbings, assaults and a hell of a mess from such a small group of misfits. Not the kind of thing a 7 year old needs to see if you want him to believe that people are generally kind and good natured. And this is just one of the myriad of things I could tell you about that I’ve seen since I was a wee lad that has put a damper on my positivity. Which makes sense as to why my hair slowly went from an angelic white to a dark brown over these years and why I was always called a sweet child and now a sarcastic prick.

So now that I realize why I am the way that I am and what was going on, I can take steps towards rebuilding my love of social situations and my desire to do those things that I want to do without concern over fears and anxiety that were based on things that I witnessed.


Written by Josecito

May 19, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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