Gnosis

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Changes… no not that kind.

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laziness The last couple of weeks have left me contemplating a lot of things in my life. Things I like and dislike about myself, things I tolerate and continue to accept that I really shouldn’t. Ways I have let myself down along with others. Things that I wanted out of life that I never accomplished. Things my friends and family have done while I squandered and goofed off the little bit of time that I had available. Most of all, I think about the things that failed to do because of sheer laziness, fear, and self sabotage. I must have spent at least a full 24 hours over this time period (broken up into batches) recalling the moments of my life when I could have gone down the difficult path, and chose poorly (to quote The Last Crusade). Inevitably one finds that the easy path never ends easily, and the short cuts that one takes to get somewhere often backfire and leave one with more work to do just to return to their original position.

self-sabotage-2

 

Naturally any time spent thinking about what one’s past is like quickly resolves itself into a pity party the more one does it. I, being tired of parties and of my silly spendthrift ways when it comes to social occasions, is vowing to reboot my life and my priorities. My goal is to actually finish the lists of things that I have wanted to do since I was a teenager, to live up to my potential, and to stop destroying my own initiative. There was a time, long long ago, when I would have smacked the man that I am now for being so damned pessimistic about his own future and potential choices. The man I was when I was 17 would never have sacrificed his own desires and goals simply to appease other people. The man I was when I graduated high school scoffed at the consensus takers, the moderates and the compromisers for not sticking to what were the right ideas. I would have never accepted second best at my own work and I would never have accepted anything less then what I deserved in my personal life.

100148301_eaf91b2c43 So what happened? Well I began dating, and with a girlfriend usually comes appeasement. The more one is willing to compromise one’s desires and dreams, the less likely the other partner. Little by little I cancelled my plans, dreams, and hope. Little by little I gave up on the things that mattered to me in order to maintain my relationships. In the end I found that I was willing to do anything to satisfy other people before myself and it ended horribly and left me emotionally crippled. I rebuilt myself after that, only to see myself broken time after time after time for the same reasons. Lack of patience, lack of tact. Lack of discipline in the social realm. Inability to pick the right type of woman, or the inability to stand my ground in a relationship without caving in because of my emotional desire to make another person happy. And I’d crash and burn some more. Each time it would cost me a little more of myself. Another dream, another career choice, another sphere of activity. Until one day I woke up,  looked in the mirror, and saw someone I hated.

That day I vowed that this couldn’t continue. That moment was when I realized just how much I let slip past me and how many things and experiences that I wanted to have, were lost due to my lack of resolve. I saw who I was, and realized that he is not me. He never should have been there to greet me in the morning. Thus pitiful creature should have been the fate of another person, a lesser man. I was one full of potential, a beam of light rising from the earth. A model for others, a leader, an example to emulate. So here I am, again, at the bottom. Looking up I see not just a hole that I fell into, but a hill, and a mountain beyond that, its’ summit unseen as it passes through the clouds and into an unknown sky.

I reach up, grab a stone lodged into the hole’s wall, and start lifting myself up…

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Written by Josecito

March 7, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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