Gnosis

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So I am writing this, being blog post #5 in two days, the other posts containing more or less general information on how I feel on things, products, my hand, etc. Right now I just want to update without a real purpose. It has been several months since my last real personal post online (now it sounds like confession at a church) and I just feel that I need to write to clear my head of the cobwebs of needlessly complex inner junk that has accumulated along the inner recesses of my grey matter.

Where do I begin? Well it is September 2010, I have been without a solid full time job since December 2008 when I worked at PriceWaterhouseCoopers, I lived 5 months in Bogota, Colombia where I tutored English and fixed computers. I returned to the US in the hopes of getting a good paying job so that I could pay off my debts, finish college, and save money to buy a place and start a business overseas. What has actually transpired is that the economy here took a major crap, millions of jobs disappeared along with the grant money, loan money and opportunities to finish my degree or retrain into another field. To survive I have been fixing computers on a per contract basis (which really, tech people doing this are a dime a dozen now and you can’t make a living on it), doing odd jobs for people as it comes up and taking way too many opinion surveys about products that should never have been designed the way they were designed.

What I still want to do is get a nice full time job with health benefits that is somewhere along the route near my college, take the classes and graduate while paying off my debts. Each time I have tried to do this I have been shot down, thrown a monkey wrench, or denied said opportunity. However I will not give up as this is a priority in my life and without it, I would have wasted a huge amount of time and energy for nothing. Thus it is one semester and a job, that’s it…so close yet so far away. One day soon I am certain to get employment, along with acceptance and funding to finish. When that comes, my life will finally be turning around for the better.

What about romance you ask? Well I am in Philadelphia and the girl that I was seeing in Colombia is still in Colombia. Do I care about her? Will I see her again? Yes I sill care about her a lot, more then I realized and yes, I do want to see her again. What is it about me that makes me so sappy and romantic? Why do I allow myself to have this weak spot in my life where I am willing to be chivalrous and generous for the sake of a woman? It must be in my genes, written long ago by some long dead hairy cave dweller who wanted to get laid as much as the next guy…except he had flowers in his hand and by some accident gave them to the female of the species. It is amazing that I can be a dick in every other aspect of my life, but when it comes to infatuation, love, romance and dating, I am an old soft hearted fool. One day I will figure out how to suppress that long enough to make a clear headed decision when it comes to spouse, children, marriage, and family. Until then, I can only be me.

In matters of weight, I am seriously obese according to the scales set forth by numerous government medical departments. Which is really bad considering that I have a long run with my twin sister in less then a month and need to be in great shape to complete it. Mental note to self: eat less, move more, repeat daily. I think I should make it a priority to get that ideal body shape that I always wanted: a six pack, inverted triangle torso, strong legs and healthy tanned skin. I will most likely live once (since I doubt that reincarnation is a possibility) so I should get cracking on this one. Do I really need any other reasons besides me being 31 years old, living at home, and do not want to die of a heart attack before 40?

In matters of goals I am lost. Everything that I want I either fail at or do with the expectation that I will fail at it which is probably the reason why I have failed at everything I have tried. It makes sense to me and is plausible that transpired these many years. So what on earth caused the first failures? Most likely fear of the unknown if I do succeed. Fear of accomplishment and the added responsibility that comes with doing great things. Once people stop expecting things from you it becomes pretty easy to coast. No boss ever bothers you as long as you do the minimum. Nobody drops stuff on you to do. No one thinks you can finish anything, so they avoid burdening you with things under the assumption that you are incompetent when in reality, you’re just lazy and afraid of being constantly burdened by other people’s shit. Do I like working? YES. Do I like completing projects? Indeed. Do I like the idea that people will put incrementally more shit on my plate if I do something well and fast? Hell no.

I feel that if I am to do a project well, I should be given the choice on what I’d like to do next and have more leeway over how something is done. What I abhor is when I do great work, come in the next day to find other people’s crap on my desk for me to do cause they were incapable of doing it correctly. Do they get fired? No. Do I get paid more? No. Would the extra work mean a promotion ? Never because that would mean no one would be around to do the work, people who get promoted to management get that mainly because they delegate their crap to other people instead of doing their own jobs. So the goal in any hourly job is to do the minimum necessary to get a paycheck and not stand out. How did I come to believe this? Because I saw it with every employee of every company I ever worked at. Truth is no company hires internally for management jobs, you have to leave to be a manager and since jobs are increasingly tough to get, your goal is to provide the minimum value, enough to keep you employed, not enough to be burdened with more crap at the same wage. This is why you see so many people doing practically nothing everywhere. The only difference is that I am writing it down right here, to reread one day in the future.

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Written by Josecito

September 5, 2010 at 7:56 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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