Gnosis

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Time Marches On

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Well today marks twenty-three days of my new year and so far my diet has gone splendidly. I have lost around 20 pounds give or take a pound. It has been hard but worth it. I started to incorporate cheat days on Saturdays (but with very little allowances on what I can eat or drink for the cheat and strict portion control). I will continue as planned toward my 52lb weight loss reduction and health improvement plan.

 

The BIAM book that I purchased was a joke. The information it contained was worth less then the book’s value. Sadly I found more information online to help me with my project then the book offered. Note to anyone interested in BIAM or BIAW or BIA-whatevers….you are much better off going it alone and doing hard self initiated research.

 

Other then that, I have been job searching like mad and generally purging myself of much more nonessential items in my life and their psychological weight. I realized that I tend to add more things in my life as a way of procrastinating the truly important things that I want to accomplish. Eg…You have a goal in mind…say Learn Chinese…so you go to learn Chinese and end up with a half finished course on Asian Cuisine that you never really had your heart into. The reasons why are remarkable once you start to realize why you do certain things. Sometimes they are defense mechanisms….other times the goals you set for yourself are not really what you wanted in life and at other times….the goals you end up half doing are the result of other people’s influence on you and your dreams…either through guilt or obligation, you end up sacrificing a little bit of yourself each time until there is nothing left of you but a name and failed attempts at life. If many of your goals can be traced back to the idea of freedom, escapism or symbolism of this…you’re probably stuck doing things for other people and not yourself, which is what I ended up doing for most of my life. Airship and Boat Building are two projects I genuine find interesting but were obviously started (first by my sheer boredom at the first major I picked) and (second being stuck in a dead end job answering telephones). When I was in high school, I started playing lots of video games and began programming them, creating fantasy worlds. I never thought about it at the time, but my time in HS was truly miserable and boring. I hated where I went until my senior year and never really cared for anyone I went to school with nor their academics. It was no surprise that I skipped over two months of school a year, felt sick in the mornings and puked on my journey there every morning. In fact, when I graduated that school I pretty much stopped feeling sick and the reason why was because I no longer had to go. The same thing happened in my grade schools, my colleges and pretty much everywhere I felt that other people expected me to do but I didn’t. I never felt sick or nervous in the Army…nor skydiving, nor traveling alone for work and meeting complete strangers, nor did I feel in the least bit sick or uncomfortable traveling to another country alone. I only felt sick and in pain when I did things my mind did not want to do that I ignored. Eg…I hated school so I forced myself to go and my brain basically told my body to do whatever it took to stop me…which was make me sick.  I hated my call center job so I ended up drinking like a fish almost every off day I had…spending hundreds of dollars a month in booze all as a coping mechanism for going to a job that I hated…. interestingly enough…when I worked at PWC I almost never drank, nor in the Army (I drank once, not to the point of drunk).

It is truly remarkable when you think about about the things you do and why they were done. Most of us have things we do as means to cope with uncomfortable situations or events that are seen as detrimental to our happiness. The question remains…what should be we really doing in our lives that will make us successful without creating a hobby or habit that will kill us?

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Written by Josecito

January 23, 2010 at 10:18 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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